I’ve gone through so many different genders and sexualities trying to figure out who I really am. Straight, bi, lesbian, pansexual and gay - it feels like I’ve tried all the sexualities out there. Why can’t we just love who we love and leave it? Why do we have to have specific roles that we “fit” into? Personally I could care less if I’m gay or pansexual. I just want to love my partner at this time and leave it.
Junior high and high school were crazy roller coasters when it came to looking to find myself. I’d always known that I was different but in grade 9 I really started looking to figure out who I was attracted to. There was this girl who went to the same school as me. Her name was Bree. She was maybe 5’2. I could pick her up and twirl her around like a toy. She was so tiny. Bree’s hair was a fierce red and it complimented her pale skin tone. I remember the day when we first met. She was hanging with my friend Day by the lockers. I was heading over to change my books for the next period. After opening my locker, my butt got slapped all of a sudden. I turned around astonished as to who would do that. Bree stood there laughing at how surprised I looked. Then she started talking. I barely listened because I was trying to figure out why my face was starting to get hot and why my stomach tightened into a knot. That was one of the first times I had true feelings for a girl. Things happened between us. She and I “dated” off and on and were known around school as being kind of together but nothing serious ever became of our relationship. Don’t be fooled when they say that ginger’s are like fire, they can come at you with force without you even knowing what hit you.
One day at lunchtime in junior high, Justin, Bree and I were sitting together at the lunch table. I was one of the naughtier kids and so Bree was sitting on my knees. I was the butch and she was the femme. We were holding hands and talking. There was a group of more popular kids that we didn’t really like very much. One of the kids came over and started saying that they didn’t believe girls could actually like each other. That girls couldn’t kiss each other. I got angry because they were all starting to pick on us so Bree and I started saying things back. “Girls do kiss, they can like each other, there is nothing wrong with girls liking girls.” Next thing you know, Bree’s lips were on mine. The crowd went wild! It only lasted for a second but man it was amazing! I still remember how it felt. It was like my lips and thighs were on FIRE! As soon as we had finished kissing I had to sit down because I was feeling so lightheaded.
High school got kind of crazy when I think about all of the dating that I did. I didn’t want to be alone and I wanted to try everything. The idea of lust, love, relationships and sex were so new in my mind. I couldn’t not think about relationships. I honestly went from partner to partner trying out different relationships.
I’m pretty sure that I was in grade 10 when I found an LGBTQ youth group in Edmonton. I was looking for one to get to know people but I was also looking to find one because my brother and I wanted to start one of our own. I had talked to my parents and church and we were all thinking about starting an LGBTQ Safe space program at our church. One day I was looking on Facebook and I found Youth Understanding Youth.
The Pride Centre of Edmonton and the people who work there have been a huge help in helping me find myself. I knew the director pretty well. He helped me get through some hard times in life. All of the Pride Centre employees helped me during hard times.
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