Daddy's boy

In a relationship there can be many roles. Each person can change their role in the relationship anytime they wish to. In my relationship with my Daddy, I prefer to be the submissive and him the Dominant. But when we are out in public we tend to just act like a normal gay couple (because that exists lol). I like that my Daddy makes sure that I am healthy and puts a roof over my head and takes care of me. Him doing all of these things makes me feel loved and cared for. I love that my daddy still tucks me into bed when I ask him to.

Daddy is 8 years older than me. We met when I was 17 and he was 24. Year was 2014. I wasn’t dating anyone at the time that we met. It’s a pretty cute love story. It was sometime in June, my brother Andrew and I decided that we were going to go to YUY that evening. There was the normal crowd that showed up when we began our meeting. About 10 minutes in, Nik (Daddy) and what was his kind of partner at the time came rushing in because they knew they were late. I couldn’t stop staring at Nik. I don’t know what it was but I was in love. We went around and did introductions and then started talking about the topic of the night. I don’t remember what we were talking about because I was too involved in watching Nik. I was sure that he was prob only two years older than me. We got around to talking about me being a cheerleader and how lucky I am that I’m on the bottom of the pyramid so that I can look up girls skirts. Yeah that’s totally why I did cheerleading *rolls eyes*. I didn’t want the meeting to end. I kept looking at my watch because I knew that we would soon have to pack up and I probably would never see this person again in my life. We said goodbye to each other and continued on our way. My dad picked us up from the Pride Centre and all I talked about on the way home was Nik.

Fast forward a couple months to November 2014, It was right around 9:30 pm and I was getting ready for bed. I was laying on my bed in pajamas peering over Facebook when I got a notification. It was a friend request from Nik Breitkreuz. I was unsure of who this person was. I couldn’t think of any friends named Nik. Then I started going through the profile pictures and the tagged photos. It popped into my head! Nik Breitkreuz was the trans* boy that I met at YUY in June!!! OMG!! I was so excited! I ran downstairs to my brother and started screaming thinking of what in God’s name I should do. My parents laughed at me being so excited about a boy adding me on Facebook.

Nik and I started talking the next day. I just kept getting message after message. Finally I asked him out. He agreed. One thing that I had forgotten to ask Nik was his age so I texted him. All of a sudden my heart was beating super fast. 24… Nik was 24 and I was 17!! All I was thinking about was how I was going to tell the parents. I was so scared that the rents would be completely un ok with the age difference that was between us. I decided that I would do the date and then tell my parents about the age difference if things went well.

The next day after church I got my parents to drop me off at The Bonnie Doon Bowling Alley so I could meet up with Nik. I was so nervous! My legs were trembling and i felt like I couldn’t catch my breath. I waited what felt like years but was only 10 minutes. He appeared. I froze. His smile was so wide. Holy shit did I think that he was attractive. We said hello to each other and went to go pay for bowling. I had borrowed money from my parents so that I could pay for bowling but Nik was a gentleman and said that he would pay for the bowling. We had so much fun. We played two games. I won one and he won the other. We still had a couple hours left so I was an idiot and decided to show him my favorite forest in Edmonton, Whitemud park. My idiot decision was that it had just snowed and I was wearing converse. We started walking and talking. We talked about everything. I couldn’t believe that this was really happening to me. After about an hour we decided to go back to the car and talk there instead. My feet were numb and freezing cold but I didn’t care. I was having so much fun. Time passed by and Nik drove me home. I didn’t want to get out of his car though. I didn’t want to say goodbye. But I did. I ran into the house, closed the door and then made a big sigh. I was so happy.

The parents started grilling me about the date as soon as I got in. I guess they figured out I had fun because I couldn’t stop smiling and checking my phone to see if Nik had texted. I sat my parents down and told them about the whole date, who Nik was and what he did for a living. Then it came to the hard part. I told my parents that the age difference was much bigger than I thought it was. But to really think about this because I think this is the guy for me. When I said that the age difference was 8 years their eyes grew wide. They looked at each other and then agreed that I could date him. I thanked them and ran up to my room to call Nik and tell him the good news!

Grief

I don’t like bringing this subject up. I try to hide it because it makes me sad and miss people dearly but I want to make sure that even those these people have passed, they are acknowledged. I’ve been to a lot of funerals (I lost count a while ago).

Kaelan was the strongest little guy that I have ever met. Yeah I’ve been through a lot of health disorders but no one is stronger than Kaelan because what he went through? I can’t even imagine. He was my brothers best friend. I was friends with Kaelan’s sister Nyall.

Music is a big thing in my life. From kindergarten I have been involved with music. I learned the basics of the recorder, hand bells, xylophone, flute and guitar. There’s so many stories that I can tell about my concerts that I’ve played in and all of the wonderful experiences with band camp and music in school that I could write a whole other book just about my life with music in school.

My father is a Librarian. Has been working in Libraries for my whole life. Honestly can’t think of anytime when he hasn’t had a book with him. I started reading quite well at a pretty young age. Got into those mini chapter books like The Magical Treehouse and just ate those up. My brother and I used to go to all of the summer reading camps or any of the cool day camps that were being held at the libraries. Before phones where I can just open an app to read a book, I took a book everywhere with me. Just in case I was going to be having to wait or something like that.

The definition of life is this: “the existence of an individual human being or animal”. Sounds pretty plain right? That doesn’t even begin to start talking about emotions or social life or anything fun. Life has so much that happens. You live 365 days in a year. But you can live a lot of years. Times 365 days in a year by how many years you’ve lived and that is a big number. You have to realize that you can’t waste your time. Live each day like it’s your last and enjoy life.

Millwoods United

15 Grand Meadow Crescent, Edmonton AB. I don’t think that I will ever forget that address. I’ve spent so many hours with the congregation. They’re like another family to me. They help through the hardships. It’s not just about asking your fellow churchgoers to pray for you and hope that something happens. At Millwoods United Church you have people asking to help you. If you are having a rough time with money and say need to pay a bill really badly, they have a bursary that you can ask the minister to get from. They do a bread run for the low income, they’ve ran hundreds of fundraisers, here’s a clothing bank, Heavenly Hospitality Catering Service, etc. Your friends will bring you food when you are sick, they will drive you to appointments if you need. My mother and I even got jobs from The Millwoods United Church Family.

Coming out at church was probably one of the hardest but most rewarding things I have ever done. I decided to do it when my church didn’t actually have a minister.                                                           We were on the hunt for one. The council had decided that they wanted to allow members of the congregations to do some of the services for fun. So my dad and I decided that to come out we could do a service about what “Affirming” stands for and why even though we say it, not a lot has changed in the LGBTQ part of our church. During the Sermon I decided to focus it on me and come out for a second time to my church. I told them that my name is AJ Christian Janewski and that I am a Transgender Male and that I know they will accept me into their hearts and still love me the same. There was a lot of crying lol. But everyone took it really well. I got lots of hugs and kisses after the service.

Stitching Connections is a twice monthly meeting at my church that is all about knitting, sewing, crocheting, etc. One of the meetings is during the day and the other is in the evening. Someone would always bring coffee and some snacks that you would pay a buck or two for. It was always a fun time to sit with everyone and just do what you enjoy. The best part about it was the church gossip that was going around at the time.

The Prayer Shawl Ministry at Millwoods United was a group of people that made shawls or blankets to give to people as a gift. During the knitting or other processes of the piece being made, the person making it would pray and send healing energy to the creation. After the piece is finished the Prayer shawl ministry will bring a couple of finished products together to bless with good thoughts, prayers and healing energy. I made quite a few shawls that have been given away as gifts. It warms me inside that people know they are loved by all the people who prayed on the shawl or blanket. Even if you didn’t know the person, they are still trying to make you feel loved.

The Girl Next Door

Her name was Alex. We met when my parents moved to Edmonton when I was 9 months old. Her family live 4 houses away. Up until I was 8 or so, Alex was one of my best friends. We would hang out almost every day together. I remember a lot of the things that we did together. There are some great memories about her that I remember.

Alex and I were trying to figure things out about life together. What is love and what happens with it. We knew that we were supposed to fall in love with boys but we wanted to be sure that we were doing things right so we tried things out together. We were always going on her dad’s computer and looking up lesbian porn and watching it and then trying to figure out how to do it ourselves and then practicing so that when we met the correct person we would have it down flat.

I remember one day we were at Alex’s house. I was probably 5 or 6 years old at this time. We were talking about kissing and what it’s like. I’m not sure which one of us decided that we were going to practice but we went inside Alex’s room and started to play. I was the boy and she was the girl. I was so nervous. Am I going to get this kissing thing down correctly? Which way do I position my tongue? Well I can tell you that I got it right because next thing I knew we were in bed naked together trying to do a lesbian sex move called “scissoring”. I don’t even know if it exists but it did at that moment. It’s when one girl lays on top of the other and you grind your clits together (we had no idea what clits were so we just grinded our bodies against each other). Next thing we knew the door to her bedroom was flying open and it was her mom wondering what the hell we were doing. Our simple answer was this: we were cold and decided that to warm each other up we took off our clothes and were giving each other body heat. Not sure if her mom actually believed us or not but she closed the door so we could put our clothes back on. It was so scary having an adult walk in on us trying out things that we probably shouldn’t have been doing until we were adults but at the same time it was thrilling. Things never went far with Alex though. We never started any relationship or anything like that. Halfway through elementary school she moved to Beaumont so we lost touch.

Medical Shit

I don’t remember a lot of my life. I can remember a fair chunk of my life but there’s bits and pieces missing. More important events to be specific. When they did the brain surgery, they took out the part of the brain that holds memory. I have the memory on the right side of the brain still but it doesn’t work as well as it used to. Another thing is that because my medications are so strong, they take a toll on my memory also. But I just go day to day. Sure I’m going to have to ask a couple times about something to make sure that I am doing it correctly but that’s ok. You get used to it and you just have to enjoy your time that you have still.

Coloring is an essential therapy option. I don’t care your gender, you should have a favorite coloring book and some crayons or pencils or markers. Putting the pen to paper and focusing on the coloring instead of the problems going through your head. I own probably over 20 coloring books but that’s ok because when I’m stressed I pick one and just take my mind off everything. It’s nice to have a variety because I like to do different themed pictures for when I’m upset about different things.

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) is one of those things that never, ever goes away. It eats at you like you are a tasty treat and it needs another bite. You hear them saying that you have to do a specific thing one more time or they will nag at you until you start having a panic attack. Once you start having the attack you can’t stop it. You’re stuck. You have to just pull through and survive. A panic attack is not something that you can just “pull away” from.

WHAT?!?!? AN AGE GAP:?!?!?

I’ve always had crushes on older people. I find the idea of having someone more mature watching over me and telling me what to do really hot. My parents weren’t too happy about that because age gaps in my relationships started pretty early for me. I was dating boys 3 years older than me when I was in grade 9 and having crushes on older people in grade 6. All the girls had the hots for Mr. Mandryk. I was included.

My Grandma Marg (my Mother’s Mother) was 9 years older than my Grandpa. She rarely told anyone about the age gap and lied to people about it just like she lied about her age. Since I’ve come into the LGBTQ community I have seen many more age gaps then outside of it. I personally don’t understand why there is such a hush hush about age gaps. Who cares about a woman in her 20’s dating a 40 year old? I personally believe that as long as they are consensual that is all that matters. Maybe because there is no stigma with age gaps in the community? Maybe because my community understands that there’s not as many lgbtq people to have relationships with as there are straight?

Now it Gets Dirty

BDSM stands for Bondage, Dominance, Submission and Masochism. I would give you the Urban Dictionary definitions for each of these words but when I thought about it each person has their own definition for each of these words and I would need to do a whole other book just to define these 4 words. Instead I’ll give MY definitions of what these words mean to me.

Bondage - Sexual practice that involves the tying up or restraining of one partner for pleasure and or punishment.

Dominance- Power and influence over others.

Submission- the action or fact of accepting or yielding to a superior force or to the will of an authority of another person.

Masochism - the tendency to derive pleasure, especially sexual gratification, from one’s own pain or humiliation.

BDSM is viewed as this Dark and evil sexual act that only evil people tend to do. But it’s not. The partnerships are the exact same as a straight couple just with more love and trust. One thing that people don’t understand about BDSM is that the Domination and Submission is a strong bond that some people need. BDSM isn’t just about the dark fun during sex. It’s about a strong bond between people and having enough trust to allow the other person to take over for you. You have to have tons of trust for your partner or playmate. Doesn’t matter if you are the top or bottom. Trust is essential. Me, being a little, I need someone to help me all the time. I need someone to help me and remind me to do specific things that will just fall out of my mind. I need someone to take care of me and take over for me when I’m freaking out. Having a Daddy is very nurturing and reminds me that I am not alone.

Using pain as pleasure- One of the best feelings ever. When someone scratches down your back and you know they are doing it because you like it, the pain feels amazing. There’s so many ways that you can cause pain without causing harm and instead causing great feelings. Crop, Flogger, Wartenberg Wheel, Hot wax and so much more can be used to obtain climax. .

I’m a little. Meaning that I roleplay as an age younger than I am in the BDSM dynamic. I usually play around 4 years old. I have sippy cups and coloring sheets and soothers and onesies. I age play because I need to feel nurtured and submissive and enjoy someone taking care of me and acting like a parent to me. I’ve gone to munches where other littles and I hang out and color together or have a meal together.

I’ve been called the schoolgirl by day, slut by night before. I’m not afraid to admit it, I live on the dark side. I lurk the streets at night finding prey to fuck me… Just kidding.

Getting into the LGBTQ Side of Things

I’ve gone through so many different genders and sexualities trying to figure out who I really am. Straight, bi, lesbian, pansexual and gay - it feels like I’ve tried all the sexualities out there. Why can’t we just love who we love and leave it? Why do we have to have specific roles that we “fit” into? Personally I could care less if I’m gay or pansexual. I just want to love my partner at this time and leave it.

Junior high and high school were crazy roller coasters when it came to looking to find myself. I’d always known that I was different but in grade 9 I really started looking to figure out who I was attracted to. There was this girl who went to the same school as me. Her name was Bree. She was maybe 5’2. I could pick her up and twirl her around like a toy. She was so tiny. Bree’s hair was a fierce red and it complimented her pale skin tone. I remember the day when we first met. She was hanging with my friend Day by the lockers. I was heading over to change my books for the next period. After opening my locker, my butt got slapped all of a sudden. I turned around astonished as to who would do that. Bree stood there laughing at how surprised I looked. Then she started talking. I barely listened because I was trying to figure out why my face was starting to get hot and why my stomach tightened into a knot. That was one of the first times I had true feelings for a girl. Things happened between us. She and I “dated” off and on and were known around school as being kind of together but nothing serious ever became of our relationship. Don’t be fooled when they say that ginger’s are like fire, they can come at you with force without you even knowing what hit you.

One day at lunchtime in junior high, Justin, Bree and I were sitting together at the lunch table. I was one of the naughtier kids and so Bree was sitting on my knees. I was the butch and she was the femme. We were holding hands and talking. There was a group of more popular kids that we didn’t really like very much. One of the kids came over and started saying that they didn’t believe girls could actually like each other. That girls couldn’t kiss each other. I got angry because they were all starting to pick on us so Bree and I started saying things back. “Girls do kiss, they can like each other, there is nothing wrong with girls liking girls.” Next thing you know, Bree’s lips were on mine. The crowd went wild! It only lasted for a second but man it was amazing! I still remember how it felt. It was like my lips and thighs were on FIRE! As soon as we had finished kissing I had to sit down because I was feeling so lightheaded.

High school got kind of crazy when I think about all of the dating that I did. I didn’t want to be alone and I wanted to try everything. The idea of lust, love, relationships and sex were so new in my mind. I couldn’t not think about relationships. I honestly went from partner to partner trying out different relationships.

I’m pretty sure that I was in grade 10 when I found an LGBTQ youth group in Edmonton. I was looking for one to get to know people but I was also looking to find one because my brother and I wanted to start one of our own. I had talked to my parents and church and we were all thinking about starting an LGBTQ Safe space program at our church. One day I was looking on Facebook and I found Youth Understanding Youth.

The Pride Centre of Edmonton and the people who work there have been a huge help in helping me find myself. I knew the director pretty well. He helped me get through some hard times in life. All of the Pride Centre employees helped me during hard times.

Mama's Boy

I worked in a bar for about 3 months. The bar was Mama’s Gin Joint. Mama’s  was ran by a lesbian couple who were big in the LGBTQ scene. Their names were Mama and Papi. Sweetest people ever! I still miss being with them every day. When I started working there I was nervous, not sure what to do because I had never worked in a bar before. Everyone knew me as the baby of the bar. And I was the baby of the bar. Little did I know that I would be doing drag way more often and actually being able to act like my true self. All types of people came into the bar. Gay, straight, queer, you name it. A new person came in every day. Working as one of the bartenders was a hard job but it really showed me that even though I am full of mental disorders, I can do what I want. I was able to push myself to get the job done even though inside some days I was about to break down to pieces. Yeah sure there were days where I would go and color in Mama’s office but then I would get up and keep going.

How did I meet Mama and get the job you may ask? It’s kind of funny honestly. My drag mom, Lola Lamore got me to do a show with her at the newer bar on Jasper Ave. I felt super excited because I was actually getting to perform in a bar. I hadn’t ever done that before. Nik and I got to the bar about an hour early and waited for Lola to get there. Once Lola got there we started getting ready. I was doing a song in the first half and in the second half. The butterflies in my tummy began. It was showtime. Mama introduced Lola and ……………… and then the first queen went on. Everyone was clapping when it ended. All of a sudden it was my turn. I was doing Work Shoes by USS. Great song to perform to. My dance went great. The owner of the bar came and tipped me $5. My heart was racing for a while after my dance because I felt so exhilarated. Change clothes, gotta change my clothes. During intermission Mama came up to me and introduced herself. I was so nervous because I found Mama very attractive. We had a little chat about me doing drag and that she thought I was good. Thump thump, thump thump, my heart was racing. I thanked her and went back to sit with Nik. He told me that I did great and that a lady came and talked to him asking for my phone number and also asking if Nik and I are Polyamorous. What??? Two people talking about me and wanting to get my contact information in the same night?? What was going on?? The next song I did was Sorry by Justin Bieber. I wasn’t as nervous and just had fun with this song. After the song, Nik and I left because he had to work in the morning. Before I left we hugged everyone good bye including the people we had just met that night. That night I looked on my facebook and Mama had sent me a friend request. I was so excited I ran downstairs and told Nik. He started laughing at how excited I was. All of a sudden I had this crazy idea. I wanted to ask for a job at the bar. The next day Nik and I went to the bar together. I didn’t want to go alone and we had told Mama that Nik is my Dominant partner and that he help me in situations like this. We got there and waited for Mama. She came over and gave us big hugs and asked us what this was about. Then I think that she noticed my papers in my hand because she decided to take us to her office. I told her that I’m not the healthiest but I think I would be a good person to have for just a couple days a week. Mama immediately agreed that I could join the family :). Some people were kind of surprised that she hired me in only 2 days of knowing me but we get that “vibe” from each other. Those 3 months that I worked there part time were amazing. I regret nothing!  

There’s this one song that Mama performed at Sassy’s birthday party in 2016. The song is “I’m gonna show you crazy” by Bebe Rexha. The song talks about how you can just be yourself and that you don’t have to follow all of the stupid things society wants. “I’m tired of trying to be normal” is one of the lyrics. When I saw Mama dancing that night to this song it just hit my heart. I finally figured out that I don’t need to be anyone but myself and if someone doesn’t like what I do, they can suck it!

It's Hi How Are You Not How High Are You

I’m a major stoner. SMOKE E’RY DAY :P! I use Marijuana for medical and recreational purposes. When I first started smoking, it was just for fun. Some friends wanted to have a 420 party, I agreed to go and try out “Devil’s Lettuce” and see what all this hype was about. Well shit man, the hype about weed is true. Weed feels great. The high you obtain feels amazing. It covers your whole body and leaves you just sitting there vibrating inside. Close your eyes and you feel like you’re floating. Marijuana takes away the pain in your body and mind. Weed takes away all the stress and thoughts going through your head that are bugging you to the point of breakdown. I was given a prescription at 18 for Medical Marijuana. I’ve always wondered why my doc was so cool about giving it to me. Maybe he just felt bad about my situation and knew that giving me weed would give me some relief from life. But I thank my doctor in my head all of the time for giving me the prescription to relief.

Smoking is like a ritual. You remember that it’s time to smoke so you go and grab your necessities you need to go to wherever you will be smoking. Depending on how you are going to smoke your weed you get the contraption prepared. Once you have everything ready you spark up. Inhale smoke in, hold for a couple seconds and let it out. I think one of my favorite quotes is “Inhale the good shit, exhale the bullshit.” After you finish, you put everything away and you enjoy your buzz. Depending on the person, this will happen several times a day.

I remember I was in junior high. Grade 9 to be exact. I was dating this guy named Justin. We were in love. I was on the cheer team at that time and I remember that Justin really enjoyed the days that I got to wear my uniform to school. One thing that Justin got me involved in was smoking cigarettes. During lunch hour we would run with a whole group of friends to this empty back alley that no one ever went down and we would have a cigarette. They would sometimes have weed too but I never let myself try it. I was “too Christian” as I said at that time. I went to a public school but was in the Christian program. And as long as God was watching me I was not going to touch any drugs. But a cigarette, that was my favorite lunchtime treat. After we would run back to the school we would all spray on Axe cologne and get to class. I never got in trouble but I’m sure the teachers knew what we did. I would always feel light headed and giggly for the rest of the day after sharing a cigarette. Maybe it was just the idea that I was doing something bad and no one did anything about it. Or maybe it was the idea of the cigarette reminding me of my nana who used to smoke half a pack a day.

I’ve gone through the whole “Stoner” lifestyle. Trying most of the different ways that you can use Marijuana. I’ve changed my words so that I sound more chill and more like a surfer dude. Got the Vans shoes, the Snapback hat and the plaid shirt.

I’ve always had this cool idea of one day owning a Marijuana Cafe. Half of the store would be a dispensary and the other half would be this cool Vegan cafe that has really zen and relaxing teas. The building would be a tiny little one that would hopefully be in a more hipster area of wherever I’m living. The other cool thing about the cafe if I ever open it would be that it’s a safe space for everyone 18+. No judgement would happen in my little cafe.

Little bit of a twist

Lol so I have not blogged anything on here for a REALLY long time. I'm going to be funny and choose a completely different path to write my blog about. I was thinking about writing a book but as I was writing, I realize that my writing needed to be in blog format instead. The posts are going to be about my life at the moment and also about my past. The subject will be everything and anything. I just need to let myself out and see what happens. Big changes are happening in my life right now and I can't hold it in anymore.

I am super excited to see what happens as I do this. I don't have tons of faith in myself because I've tried keeping a blog before and failed miserably. But there are second tries for everything in life. Well, almost anything...

I apologize in advance if what you read is too much for you. This will be an 18+ blog so I apologize in advance if you are a minor and see my page. Oh and one other thing - some of the blogs won't be fully complete. I sometimes stop in the middle of one because of writers block.